we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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