I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
