Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
