Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
