good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
