I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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