help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
