life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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