How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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