i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
