Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
