Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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