My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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