I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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