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how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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