New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
