I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
