i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just want to make out with him forever
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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