Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
