How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
