i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
