How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
