Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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