I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
