he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
