Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
