Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
