Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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