You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sorry about my life...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
