I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
