Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
