I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
