Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
