Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
