Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
