I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
