Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
