I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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