Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
