I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I smell stomach acid.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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