Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
