Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
