I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
