I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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