i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
