hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
