I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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