just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
