It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
