Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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