don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
